Conundrum or Uljhan bina suljhan!

Conundrum: No matter what decision you make, it'll have a negative impact (Credit: Yahoo!)

A conundrum is also known as the "Catch 22" situation for those of you'll who're familiar with the Joseph Heller thriller! The dialogue i'm recording below also has something to do with a conundrum, or atleast that's what it was when i heard it!

Heptanesia, Bom Bahia, Bombay, Mumbai, Slumbai, this odd collection of seven islands connected and developed and redeveloped is as old as time itself! And on this small rock in the sea, a few million (don't bother me with the count, for the moment lets call them the great unwashed!) dwell, live, love and die and are born again...

This city is crowded for lack of breathing space, forget about privacy; but all along the coastline are a few places where people can still find a small measure of peace and quiet, a relief from the bustling life that awaits them in the city. It was one such place in Versova in Andheri where this snatch of dialogue occurred.

A little stretch of land juts out defiantly into the Arabian Sea, called the "Rocks" in Versova, locally reputed as a place for boozing or spending some "quality time" with a partner. And this is where Kris and Lucius too thought of having a drink!

The sea was a bit rough due to the monsoonal winds, and the waves came splashing right over the rocks often drenching them both, but they didn't seem to mind it. They were talking off and on whilst sipping on some beer Lucius had brought with him, a backpack full of it!

"What comes to your mind when i say human?" Kris broke the silence which so far was being disturbed only by the sound of the waves and the occasional clink of a bottle being opened. Lucius drank deeply from his bottle, and stared emptily at the ocean's incoming waves. A storm was brewing over the Arabian Sea, and would shortly head for Bombay's coastline.

"Did you not hear me Luci..." a burp interrupted before Kris could complete his question! Sticking out a forked tongue Lucius smiled "Perhaps that shows how much regard i have for the human race! Eh!" and grinned widely. For a moment Kris was silent, almost as if offended, and...

Both burst into peals of laughter, laughing long and hard!

"Coming back to your question in a more serious light Kris, i feel humans are a race of nitwits. They have all that they'd ever need with them, and yet they're engaged in the pursuit of something that'll yield them zilch. And for this thing which'll give nothing in return, they seek to run hard and long..."

"I don't quite understand what do you mean by being engaged in pursuit Lucius, can you please elaborate!" Kris asked inquisitively.

"Well, tell me what is it that completes a human? I'll tell you? A home, clothing for protection, food to survive, and a partner to procreate. That is all that a human needs, just as much as the animal they claim to be superior in comparison!" Lucius responded haughtily and aimed his emptied bottle at a solitary rock jutting out in the sea, and launched it in the air. The bottle hit the rock impeccably and shards of glas, not to mention the sharp sound of glass breaking created a small report in the otherwise insipid air.

"Aye, that's true about what humans really need, and what they seek in reality. That's where the entire difference of opinion lies. But is there nothing that you'd like to say about a different race of humans who strive to achieve something beyond that basic needs as animals. After all they're an intelligent race, aren't they" Kris challenged ever so subtly Lucius and his convictions.

"Intelligent you call them Kris? Sure they're intelligent, far more intelligent than the average living being on earth. But then, intelligence reflects in design, and humans by nature were never designed to be perfect. Were they Kris, do tell me. After all, humans are an intelligent race, are they not?" Lucius sneered at Kris

Lucius seemed to egg Kris into what we could expect would materialize in atleast a verbal duel or at the worst a physical duel depending on the duo's state of sobriety! In short, the outcome depended completely on the level of beer inside them!

However, Kris was one of those few people who could drink freely and still walk in a straight line. He smilingly replied "If people were to be perfect, you and i would be hunting for a job! Everything that happens is for a reason! And yet there is but a ray of hope, of perfection for them, and you know only too well! You try your level best to dissuade them from that path!!" 

"Hehehehehehehe, that's cutting rather too close Kris! All said and done, we both have our respective work to be done!" replied Lucius attempting to play safe!

The storm in the meanwhile had pulled in and the rain started, a typical Bombay rain. The initial cloudburst was strong, and after a seven minute shower it reduced to a drizzle. The remaining revellers on the rocks had moved away when the rain clouds were pulling in. Our friends intended to enjoy the rain and the choppy ocean on the rocks!

"There's a reason i'm blaming people as nitwits, there is a simple reason behind it Kris! You see, humans have been blessed with brains far more than any other living being. There were living beings smarter than humans, but they took to the seas and humans ended up controlling the entire landmass, and in the recent past, dominion of the seas as well. That's a lot of power isn't it in one specie's hands?"

"People have everything they could ever ask for, and yet they're not happy. And why is that so? That's because they feel happiness is something, a material related pleasure. And so the chase goes on! Wine, women, wealth, power, glory, fame and every other negative attribute you could ever conjure up, there'll be a score of humans chasing it up, foolishly thinking its the answer to their joy!! Hahahahahahaha, they couldn't have been more sadly mistaken!"

"And that's where you step in with your ways, don't you, Mephistopheles?" was Kris's response to Lucius's remark who now stopped laughing at the mention of the name

"Don't mention that name so loudly Kris, we'll attract unwanted attention! And i don't fancy people giving us company while we have a brief moment of solitude from work!" Lucius was now agitated and clearly not in a mood for jokes.

"There's nobody here Lucius, nobody except us, drinking away as if there's nothing else to be done!" Kris replied laughingly. "Coming to your bone of contention, can you give me an example as to how do people behave irrationally, despite being blessed with rational thinking? Abandoning happiness for sorrow as you word it! Please explain!"

"Hmmm, so the Grand Master wants to play quiz with me, knowing fully well the answers himself? Why not, why not?"

In the pouring rain across the street, a young couple was passing by, protecting themselves from the rain under one umbrella, but enjoying the warmth of that closeness nonetheless. Certainly not siblings, but lovers, making their way through the city in the rains.

"Take a look at that couple walking in the rain. I'll tell you something? That guy's not happy with his life, the way that it's going, and the girl seeks to make a career in the aviation industry. The guy on the other hand feels he's not physically satisfied with her, and wants to satisfy his urges someplace else. Yet, they both love each other their own way. All well and good, until one day their interests collide, and then..."

Kris interrupted "Are you trying to say they're not happy with their present state of life? Despite being in their so called state of perfection, they're still keen on getting more, and in the process, losing what they have?"

"Exactly, this reminds me of a dog with a meaty bone who thought his reflection in the water to be another dog with another bone. Foolishly he jumped into the water to get that 'bone', and ended up a wet, hungry, sorry but nonetheless wiser dog! People should be content with their lot!" explained Lucius. "The problem with people is that they always wanted something more than they had in hand, MORE..."

"Shouldn't you be the one to be blamed for it, Lucius?" Kris was smiling triumphantly. "Weren't you the one who gave my creations, the fruit of knowledge, knowing only too well what would be the outcome? Weren't you the reason humans are what they are...?"

"That's a separate issue Krishna, i mean Kris that's a separate issue in itself. We're talking of inborn faults, and not introduced defects" Lucius tried to defend his argument but in vain.

"Humans were created in mind with the idea that they'd be able to appreciate the divine design around them, as protectors of the creation, and..."

"Basically, humans were a creation of yours to satisfy your ego trip, right? You wanted to appear oh so high and mighty, so exalted above the world, you wanted some animal to know you, worship you and pay tribute to you for letting them live in peace and harmony. You wanted to show me what could you design and how much more better it was as compared to what i am! Face it Krishna, i took your designs, and turned them against you. The fruit of knowledge, i'd planted it there and with my smooth talking ways, i convinced them into eating the fruit, and thus set the ball rolling, and the rest is history, isn't it?" This long piece of dialogue needed a breather and some refreshing beer to wash the dried throat, and Lucius drank deeply from his bottle, and threw it away. This time, he tossed it backwards, so it landed in the middle of a street sending shards of glass flying, and dogs barking despite the chilly rain.

It was a well deserved victory for Lucius, or so he thought. The beer had now run out, but Krishna was kneading a small ball in the palm of his hands, mixed it with a bit of tobacco and cheroot, and plugged it into a clay pipe. He was preparing a chillum, a more earthly form of a joint but with opium! 

As Lucifer kept raving, he lit the chillum and took a deep puff from it. Just as Lucius finished his beer, he offered this smokey refreshment over to him. Lucius smoked deeply and exhaled the smoke slowly in deep puffs.

"Let's assume, let's take it your way that humans are a flawed race, and that my logic was too poor to protect them from your buggery. Let's assume, you're the best creation ever, fair? But then what about those mortals who crack the secret of life? What of them? What about those who can see this world to be nothing but sensory illusion, and acting on my words, attain Paradise?"

"The truth is, nobody was ever born perfect. But every individual out there has the power to be something, to be someone closer to what we are. I fashioned humans from my rib, and i left this small level of error, leaving it only for those humans who could understand what life was all about, to correct this mistake, and attain enlightenment"

"Despite your best efforts, there are a few people if not many who understand what life is all about. Time and again, i try to bring them on to the path of righteousness, just as you try to misguide them into failure. And a select few do make it, despite your best efforts my friend!"

"Aye, they don't call me the Devil for nothing. And they don't worship you without reason! But then, we're puppets to our own Fate. All through time, we engage in battle, knowing fully well neither can be destroyed, and help people maintain this illusion. They think of me as the villain and you the hero, we're bound to do this for the rest of eternity, or atleast as long as humans last!" The opium had already reached Lucifer, and his speech was beginning to slur and his eyes turned bloodshot.

"Talk of opium, Siva has some of the best stuff in the entire cosmos, never smoked such good shit before. Aye, i've got to praise you when you deserve it Kris, you surely have some lovely opium plantations up there in Pearly Gates. Mine never attain this richness of flavour!" Lucifer was already tripping. The sight of Lucius tripping was clearly too funny for Krishna who was equally high on the opium, and both rolled and rollicked in wild laughter!

All this noise soon attracted a Pandu (my bad, should be calling him a "policeman") who tromped over promptly with his associate.

"Kai chalala aahey ikdey, Kadam bagh ki zaraa!" What the fuck is going on here, just have a glance Kadam. The cop's sharp voice couldn't bother the duo who were still laughing. Kadam and his boss, our Pandu, Mr.Gore pulled Kris and Lucius up from the rocks, and both couldn't help but notice the sweetish aroma of opium off the duo.

"Waah waah Kadam, hi mansey chandu phoonkat hotya" They've been smoking opium all the while! Chandu is the local name for opium in Bombay. Kadam and Gore both gave Kris and Lucius a hard slap each which made them stop laughing.

"Naav saang, ani chal amchya sobat, thanyaala!" You're under arrest for possession and abuse of narcotics. Tell me your names you two.

"I'm Kris, also known as Krishna, from Dwarka, born to Devaki and Vasudev, ancestor of the Vrishni, friend to the innocent, and scourge of evil! Just a few among a hundred million names that i have"

"I'm Lucius, Lucifer, Prince of Darkness, Mephistopheles, Beelzebub, the Dark Lord, you can call me the Devil!" Lucifer was far from cordial. Gore had taken away his chillum, and he hated it when someone did that, specially when he riding a high.

"So you two guys think you're God and Devil, and i'm a sucker Pandu, eh? Do i look like i'm still suckling from my mother? Want to play games with me? Let's play then!" snarled Gore he lifted up his hand to strike at Lucius, who stopped the blow mid air and pushed him off. Similarly, Kris pushed off Kadam.

In the twinkling of an eye, Lucius who looked like a regular office goer turned into a half man, half beast appearance replete with horns and red complexion. And Krishna turned into something short of an apparition no one could ever describe. He called it 'Viswa-roopa', the image of the world.

Both cops were too shocked beyond senses or understanding to do anything, not even rise up! In terror, they held on to each other, wondering what kind of criminals now had come into Bombay!!

Kris whistled and hypercycle appeared from the heavens, and both Kris and Lucius mounted and sped off in an explosion of light and colour! The cops now could not recollect what happened and wondered how did they land on the ground like that, only to move off somewhat confused.

"It was a memorable trip! Take us to Kailasa will you Kris? I'd like to borrow some of this super good opium from Siva. Does he also do weed...? Those cops looked pretty shit scared didn't they?"

"Hehehehehe, yes they did! So much so for a 3D effect hologram projection, they were spooked at the sight of us!" laughed Kris "Speaking of technology, this hypercycle needs to be upgraded, remind me to check with Viswakarma before i drop you home, will you...? Thanks for the beer though, tasted good, i can still feel a bit of it at the back of my throat!"

Epilogue: Our friends enjoying beer and opium were none other than God and the Devil themselves. Who said humans are the only ones who can enjoy beer????

Enlightenment - Part III

The sun was shining yet again, but this time it was from a small window in the cramped little kholi, the only source of light the place could ever get. Shankar squinted and squirmed as his eyes tried to adjust to this sudden influx of light. Muttering and swearing, he pulled himself together for a glass of water. The after effects of a high include thirst in addition to a craving for more highs. He looked around for his attendant who'd prepare his fix.

"Make me a fix Chandu, i need it. Do it now!" ordered Shankar gruffly, trying not to lock gaze with Chandu. This time Chandu did not laugh mockingly nor jeered at him. "Friend, you don't need heroin, you need help! Listen to me." But Shankar was far from convinced. He sneered, "Do you think i want to live Chandu? Yes, i want to live indeed, but with my Shalu. She's no more with me in reality, but in my world of dreams, she's still my beloved! I want to go back her. Now stop talking and fix me a shot"

"Heroin is not going to get your love life back Shankar, it's only playing on your emotions. Everytime you sink into it, the emptier it leaves you. You seem like a promising kid Shankar, go back to your life, you don't belong here. Not even the worst human being deserves a death like this..." Chandu had begun to reason with Shankar.

Now you might want to ask why on earth was Chandu trying to push off a willing customer. Anyways, Chandu cared little whether his customers lived or died and their addiction to heroin was only a plus point for his business. But then, Boss had his own ways of effecting what He wanted, and it seemed like this is how things were to change after all.

Meanwhile in the kholi, Shankar had begun to show signs of uneasiness and stress. Shankar's voice no longer sounded like a man's but like Shalu's, and once again Shankar was back at Marine Drive, fighting his last quarrel with Shalu. The memories, all of them came back rushing at once, and that was the dreaded death that heroin dealt. This was the dreaded "cold turkey", the only best remedial for a heroin addict. Outright denial! Chances are the addict died before the cold turkey was completed, but there was no other way to "cleanse" the addict free of this disease.

Shankar now got violent with Chandu and tried to grapple with him in a bid to get some heroin, but Chandu was a seasoned street fighter who'd faced tough goons and despatched them with his cold blade, but this was a different fight. Here, he could not afford to use the steel blade and gut Shankar. Aye, that would defeat his purpose. Instead, he deftly kneed him in the gonads, and a powerful punch on his face knocked the daylights out of him. The moment he crashed against the walls of the kholi, Shankar was out cold. But this time it was no fever dream, just a concussion...

It almost seemed like eternity when he woke up again, only to find himself tightly bound in thick hemp rope, and his mouth gagged. The tiny, dimly lit kholi was now lit by a kandeel in addition to the meagre amount of sunlight entering the room. And all around him, Shankar could see an army of toughs and a few women. Moments after waking, his muscles began to twitch. This twitching then led to throbbing and eventually violent spasms. Shankar groaned and groaned in agony, pleading for just one fix, but there was none coming for him. This was his first day of cold turkey...

"Heroin cures nothing, only kills your soul. You'll never lose something that truly belongs to you. If Shalu was destined to be your love, you will get to her no matter what. There's no sense dreaming and pining for her. Go out and live your life..." these words kept pounding over and over and over again. But despite this, Shankar could see, and could hear Shalu's last desperate pleas to be together. "Aaaargggh, aaaarrgggh, aaarghhhh..." despite his miserable state of being, he still fought and fought hard. Finally, one of the women lit a small piece of incense, and yet again, Shankar's vision began to blur. He thought he was getting his fix, but then this was only a distraction. The lights went out as Shankar's eyes rolled up into their sockets...

"Why do you pine for her young man? Why do you pine for your Shalu?" a voice was asking him. Couldn't quite locate where it came for but the tone was insistent. "Shalu, Shalu's my love, she's my life! Yes, she's my life! Shalu, Shalu, Shalu..." Shankar wasn't speaking, but his voice seemed to have come alive on its own. Ah yes, you could say it was his heart that was speaking, and his mind was silent.

"If this Shalu was truly yours, if she really did love you, then why did she leave you...? Why should she not be with you in your darkest hour of need?" questioned the voice

"I told her to walk away, i told her to move out of my life. I, it was my sinful tongue that spoke those cruel words to that gentle soul. I murdered her love for me, i killed her soul. This is my punishment for that crime. This is what i deserve! Now, let me die in peace, let me die in my dreams with my Shalu by my side. Let me die, let me die, let me...."

"Only fools who don't want to die, talk of death as they live! Do you know what it feels like to die? Do you think your death will serve any purpose? Shalu will not come back to you if you die. She may shed a few tears on your grave, and so will your parents. Eventually, both will move on with life. Shalu will marry another man and live a happy life, only too glad to relegate you to the garbage dumps of memory, forgotten somewhere down the line. Your parents, they'll remember you a bit longer, for there'll be no one to mourn them when they die. Their only son will not perform their funeral rites, no one to place the silver coin for the boatman"

"Talk of the present, who'll tend to them? They're old and feeble! Can they fend for themselves? I think not! And you wish to die young man? Indeed you should die for it, but not like this! I'll slay you myself in the middle of the street where the city can watch you bleed to death..." the voice had become deep and menacing now.

"I don't fear you death, i fear you not! Atleast that'll wash off the sins i have committed. My sins, they come back to me everyday, killing me one dream at a time! Despatch me o'butcher, you'll have my heartiest blessings..."

There was a cackle of laughter that lasted quite a while. With much difficulty, it now spoke "Fool! Whoever said you've sinned! Why the fuck should you be penalized for something you've not done? You did what you had to do, and that's it! You don't take ownership for killing your relationship with Shalu, just as much as you don't take ownership for bonding with her! It was God who brought you'll together, it is God who did you'll part! He knows what to give you, and when to give you. So give up worrying about your sins and fear a greater sin you're about to commit!"

"Did you know suicide is a sin in itself? Ask me, i could tell you stories of spirits and ghosts! Spirits of men whom i've slain, those who died because of me. I see them often in my dreams, waiting for me, smiling on the opposite side of the river. Only their smile hides little of their misery they are in at the moment. I can feel their pain, i know their suffering! Neither dead nor alive, they live on forever stranded between the worlds. You'll see them occasionally where they died, wandering about aimlessly, unable to live among mortals, unable to reach out to the nether world!"

"What had to happen has happened friend, there's nothing more to it! You did all you could do to salvage your relationship with your loved one, but even patience has its limits, does it not? Tell me did you break off with her for no good reason? Did you really love her in the first place?"

"Yes, i loved her with all my heart, and i love her still! It was her evil tongue, her impatient nature and my mother's which made me come to this point. I wouldn't have given up on her had she been even a little more patient with me. Had she been even a little more understanding, i'd have gladly lived with her for the rest of my life...
Why Shalu, why...?"

"There's something which no one can help you with Shankar, nobody can change Shalu's nature, just as much as nobody can change your nature. You are what you are born with, you cannot change them no matter what. Your nature was decided the moment you were born, and you will be the same until the time your body ceases to move forever. And so's her nature for that matter! She cannot be someone she is not, and you cannot change or adjust beyond a certain limit for her. An unhappy marriage never made a good home Shankar, remember this!"

"What you say may be true, but then is it not true that we must adjust?"

"My friend, you will adjust only upto a certain point. After that, there'll be no love left between the two of you'll. Sex will no longer be an adhesive between you'll once you've become old. There must be love in the two hearts in order to keep them together. When you realize this fact then, you'll be a sorry old man who's spent the best years of his life with someone who never even got along with you. What then? Death's not an easy guest you could call home when you're old! You'll wait for death, as if it were an absolution. An absolution that could take forever to come, never will you know when..."

"Instead i'd say let your heart remain at peace, and your mind at work. Keep them both occupied, and if there be someone who's destined to conquer your heart, she will come. She will come when her time's right, when your time's right. When you'll both are ready, to live, to love, forever..."

"Engage yourself in everything you possibly could, and keep yourself occupied constructively. As for me, i live under the shadow of death, waiting to die, when i know not, to the policeman's bullet or an assassin's knife! One mistake i made in life, and see how i'm running from it. Learn from me Shankar what not to be, learn from me Shankar never should you become Chandu. I had to kill my own brother, i could not attend to the funeral rites of my parents, and the cops want me dead. And what more? There are far many more sufferings i hold within my stony heart. Does this not tell you something...?"

"I understand you made a mistake, and don't wish me to make the same. But how do i know that Shalu's not the one for me? What if she's the one?"

"If Shalu were the one for you? Ask this to yourself, deep inside your heart, is she the one? Your heart will not lie. If she's the one for you, she'll return to you no matter what. And she'll never ever be harsh with you ever, and you? You'll never mind her ways and words if you truly love her. Trust me Shankar, do this and you shall know."

Just then Shankar stirred, only to see no one in the kholi. The window was opened, and light was trickling in from the outside. It was high noon, and the muezzin's prayer for the faithful could be heard from outside.

"Allah ho Akbar, Allah ho Akbar" "God is great, God is great" the muezzin repeated over and over again, glorifying the Great Spirit. "Was this all a dream? Did i hear Chandu speak with me?" Shankar wondered. He could move about freely, the rope was taken off, and there was no longer a feeling of pain or twitching muscles, only his stomach grumbling for some fuel!

He stumbled out of the kholi, the first time in three weeks, looking for Shankar or any of his whores. But none were to be seen. The door was open, and Shankar understood. "My separation from Shalu was an act of God, just as much as was our meeting. I accept His decision and shall abide..." was Shankar's final thought as he stepped out of the A 1 beauty parlour for the last time...

Epilogue:

Shankar joined the police force and now is in charge of the narcotics division. His days of drug abuse are now far behind him. Shalu married a boy of her parents choice and is settled in Pune.
Chandu, however was killed in an encounter with the cops. Incidentally, Shankar was a part of the crackdown team...

Enlightenment - Part II

The needle stung slightly as it made way into Shankar's flesh and released the heroin into his blood. Vision began to blur and his speech was incoherent. In a few moments, he was back in his world of dreams, except that he was dreaming with his soul-less eyes open!

Shalu had cried for a week and she was just fine and normal, or atleast she appeared to be normal to the eye. Shankar was a different league though; he took his emotions just as he did his logical thoughts, in utmost gravity and reality. He'd never been a guy who could be called a skirt chaser, and he never socialized too much. He spoke only when spoken to, and mixed with few people. Deadly combination if you ask me to kill a man whilst he lives. Isolate him from his beloved, estrange him from his parents, and let there be no friend who can offer help. Ah yes, you could kill him one day at a time, until he begged for death as a relief. It was the vilest thing that Fate could pull upon him, but then we all have our duties. Fate, Death and i stood watch as Shankar sank into the depths of depression and depravity.

It all started with cigarettes, and alcohol, but they could only dim his senses and not his memories of beloved Shalu. Every moment, every moment of his waking time, he could see none but Shalu around him. He avoided the Marine Drive although his office was closeby and preferred the inroads, but every street had some form of memory or the other, and he could see himself and Shalu together in more peaceful and loving times. God, this was terrible i tell you to watch him and do nothing.

He then went on to drinking spirits and smoked copious amounts of weed. That did the trick for a while, but before long, he was immune to the effects of them both. And getting them was expensive! And then a fellow drinker told him about "heroin" and where to find it.

It was a dark day when Shankar traced his steps leading into the dark alleys of Dr.Foras Street No.6, a place where you could find Chandu, his women, and heroin...

"Ladki chahiye? Kitney saal ki? Apney paas college wali item bhi hai, bol kaunsi chahiye" the guy at the door asked Shankar. "Heroin dega...?" were the words from Shankar's alcohol reeking mouth and that shut up the doorman who quickly whisked him inside into a kholi.

He administered Shankar's first shot, and Shankar couldn't quite control himself from thrashing about as his muscles twitched and twisted trying to adjust to the narcotic's effects. And then, he could see Shalu, not walking away from him but running toward him, tears of joy streaming along her dusky cheeks. Shankar too couldn't hold himself back from her and ran harder to cover up the distance, and met her or rather smacked right into her, his arms wrapping themselves around her, and they both were one...

This fever dream lasted for 2 days the first time Shankar had it. Savitabai and her husband weren't greatly disturbed as Shankar said he's at a friend's place for a while. As long as he was away from Shalu, they were just fine with anything else. Of course, assuming that he was clean and healthy and not a heroin junkie!

Everytime he woke up covered in sweat and his heart pumping so hard, there could've been a heart attack. But who wanted to live so long...?

"Let me end his misery Boss. He's in abject pain, let me deliver him!" Death said in a baleful tone as was his nature. He'd been there just as long as i was, and had a history of countless souls in his list of people and creatures he'd slain. Aye, that was his duty. And this was the worst part of his job, waiting for his victim's "right time" to die. Boss, you may call him God, but we called him Boss, called the shots, oversaw who was to live who was to die, what happened, when did it happen and other managerial activities for the mortal world, not just Earth but all other places beyond human imagination...

"His time has not come yet, this is his trial by fire. If he survives this, he'll be worthy of a place beside me in Paradise. It's just that he has to forget his mortal pain and think of me" was Boss's reply. Boss always had a way with words, and Death fell silent.

"How will it happen? He's content to remain a junkie, and would die one. Atleast that's how things look like at the moment!" was my question!

"What the fuck is my role here then Time? Am i not his Creator, his Preserver, his Destroyer? I'll bring him out from the bowels of Hell where Shaitan now holds him prisoner!" Boss was angry with me. It was a stupid question because Boss had a plan for everything and everyone...

As we rambled off and on in Pearly Gates, it was nearing three weeks now for Shankar since he'd hooked on to heroin. He barely managed to work in the morning, and was listless even when the boss fired him from his job for being negligent in his work. His job as a peon at an office in Nariman Pt never earned him too much, and he was more than happy to quit. More time for dreaming, more time with Shalu...

That day he actually ran with great joy, even as the day was yet to set to the Chandni beauty parlour, Chandu's brothel and drug hovel. By now his daily intake of heroin was enough to merit him the "Choice Customer" title and Chandu's attention. A girl now kept watch and ensure Shankar took the shots in right. And also clean him up if he retched. He was bleeding his money into into their business, his final days on earth had to be taken care of...

Shankar couldn't care as long as he had Shalu, atleast in his dreams. One day, Chandu himself paid Shankar a visit, just as the fever dream was coming to an end. You could tell Shankar was coming out, it was pretty easy! The irises show signs of activity and the body began sweating. On the other side, Shankar could hear voices and see faintly, as if in an illusion...

"What's with you, li'l fuck? Why're you killing yourself like this?" Chandu snapped at Shankar. "I've seen junkies and i've seen hoodlums, and i've seen them die, some delivered by my own hand. But you're not one of them, you're something different..."

Shankar could hear him, but Chandu's voice seemed to be coming from the heavens. It painted a picture pretty absurd! Two lovers lost in embrace and a hoodlum's voice echoed from the skies above!!

Shankar couldn't care to reply. Chandu waited to see him come out any moment now. And then the fever dream ended, just as Shankar woke up with a start, sweaty and disoriented!

"Who're you? Are you here to give me my fix? Where's that girl who's here normally? Tie me up and shoot me in the left arm. The right arm's pretty useless for finding a vein now. Come on, hurry up!"

Chandu only laughed, and that made Shankar livid! Coming out of heroin even for a moment was cold turkey, and that meant all the memories he'd held back, came back with a rush! And that wasn't something Shankar paid money for!

"It's okay kid, you can call me your attendant. I own this hovel, just as much as i own your attendant, and your miserable little life, just waiting to die. I'm Chandu and i'm here to clean you out from this mess you've created!"

At this remark, Shankar only half opened his eyes to look at a shadowy figure who looked like a hoodlum only to slip back into his state of nothingness...

Enlightenment - Part I

Before we start this story, i'd like to dedicate this story to Amanda Sargent, Vaidehi Limaye and Charumathi. They provided the inspiration i needed for this story by way of their deep and meaningful insights. Hats off to you ladies! Now, without much ado, let's...

The sky was blue, the coast was looking azure, and along the much famed and much abused surf of Bombay called the Marine Drive, love seemed to be blossoming in the air. It was spring and the trees growing alongside the coast were in full bloom, their gaudy pink flowers throwing out a heady perfume that made the setting even more romantic :)

Shankar too was one of those lovey dovey couples dotting the surf, only enjoying the presence of his beloved! Shankar had been dating Shalu for over a year now, and in this wobbly, unstable world of emotions, adrenaline and hormones, they'd been doing pretty good. Shankar was lost in his little romantic cocoon, content to remain in the warm glow of an embrace with his beloved Shalu.

Time seemed to be flying by in addition to a few squawking seagulls and the ever present crows along the coastline. Nobody seemed to care, but this couple couldn't give a damn either! They were content among themselves...

And then the whole picture seemed to burst apart at the seams! Images began to distort and explode into just flashes of colour and light, the surf seemed to rip itself apart and everywhere around them, it was the same. A riot of colours, people, buildings, the whole world was denegenerating into a riot of colours, and then a flash of bright light...

Shankar woke up sweating and palpitating, his heart was pounding so hard in its rib cage it almost seemed to be ready to explode! Shocked, disarrayed and disturbed, Shankar rubbed his eyes to adjust his vision to the dimly lit kholi's environs. The fever dream had come to an end. And that was something Shankar didn't like...

The environs, the setting and Shalu, it was only too idyllic a setting, only too fantastic to be true. Shalu was engaged to be married, but not with Shankar. Shankar and Shalu had parted ways after a year of togetherness for "reasons". Be it Shalu's abusive nature or Shankar's constant absence, we never know what dealt the coup de grace, but this "lovey dovey" couple had parted ways, in ways not too soft and sweet.

Back at BDD Chawl 10, kholi number 110, Savitabai was only too happy to see her son returned to "normalcy". Of course, what Shankar was going through, nobody ever knew, none except Chunnilal, aka Chandu, aka Dedh Shanya! But we'll come to them later, Savitabai's offering tea now!

Savitabai was Shankar's mother, and as would any normal mother be, concerned about Shankar's love life. She was a strict and traditional Maharashtrian when it came to moral code, but was willing to accept Shankar's "would be wife", if he brought a good girl home! Alas, Shalu wasn't quite Savitabai's idea of a good homely girl. Shalu too was Maharashtrian and came from somewhat similar backgrounds. Her father and Shankar's father worked together at the BMC, but Shalu had come only a year back, after her graduation studies from Pune.

Cutting a long story short, Savitabai thought Shalu was far too aggressive for a girl, and quite rightly if you ask me! Shalu was a very dedicated lover, and could mother Shankar through the worst of his nightmares, if only she'd be a little more docile and gentle. Shalu had a terrible whiplash like tongue, and she used it freely. sometimes it felt to have a sharp steel blade running right through the heart, instead of hearing Shalu scream and bitch!

This combined with Savitabai's constant nagging about Shalu, Shalu's parents forcing Shankar to a decision, and Shalu's whiplash tongue was a potent and deadly combination that could drive the best of men insane! Indeed, Shankar was in a state of turmoil and indecision...

Back at the kholi, not kholi number 110, but a dark and dingy one in shadiest areas of the city, this was a place near Bombay Central. A left turn from Bhindi Bazaar led into a series of streets named after a certain Dr.Foras. But this place was better known by another name, Kamathipura. A veritable city within the city, kholi after kholi brimmed with loose women, or women forced by circumstance to make the vulva available to any Tom, Dick or Harry or any other fucker for a price. This was the infamous "Street of a thousand whores", "Rand Bazaar" in Hindi, the famous "City of mortal delights" if a philosopher could term it.

But Shankar came her not for satisfying his libido's thirst, he sought a different pleasure, something far worse and far more addictive, damaging one for that matter. There are chemicals, there are compounds, some are natural, others manufactured but they all serve the same purpose. For a handful of rupees, you could buy freedom from reality and escape into the world of dreams and illusions...

Shankar found it cheap although the compound was an expensive derivative of poppy, the market name for it was heroin. Hard core druggies dreaded the sound of the word, and others you needn't even ask. Only the damned came here for heroin, only those who wanted to live in their dreams, and die in a world of limbo, except that you didn't die until your body twisted and convoluted in misery and pain and mental torture, slowly. It killed you, one moment at a time...

The sound of the name Chandu or Chunnilal might make you think he was a scrawny pimp who offered relief in the form of narcotics as well, but Chandu was a dreaded name out there in Kamathipura. He'd come to power after a sea of bloodshed, atleast that's what legend has it. His own brother had pitted against him, and Chandu finished him off with a knife, one body part at a time. Chandu hated guns, and he took out his victims with a knife, often leaving a survivor too mangled and distorted to rejoin the force against him, and also serve as a message to future would be "bhais"!

"Fuck off you mother fucking slugs and bastards, this is the MY world! And i'm no angel to finish you off painlessly and quickly if i find you to be on my wrong side!" was Chandu's watchword. And he did make sure his threats materialized. A bhai like this was feared even by the cops, specially when he looked into their eyes, with his one normal eye. The other had been gouged out by a huge scar which was the reminder of what a bear once did to him. What happened to the bear would make your guts turn, you get the point right??

Chandu ran a good number of brothels and a few of them had this hard drug heroin. Heroin was serious business, and had a few regular clientele. Of course, in a few months most of them would be found dead in a sewer or on the street drowned in their own blood or vomit. But the city had enough broken hearted souls and hardened hearts who chose to escape into the world of dreams, but for a moment's worth, to be at peace, to be with a family they could never have, to have a life they could never dream of in reality. Heroin kept them together for a miserable while, and once the effect wore off, it was time to inject again. So, you could have some dedicated clientele who'd live and perhaps even die in your little "cafe"!

It was three months since Shankar was into heroin, but then why would Shankar find solace in his dreams? Well, that was the only place he and Shalu could be together, forever. Of course subtract Shalu's evil tongue, Shankar's constant wandering, Savitabai, Shalu's parents, and the whole fucking world for that matter! They were together, as they'd been just a year ago, happy to be lost in each others arms.

It had been 3 hours since the last fix, and it was time to slip back into one. Life was far too empty to be lived, emptier than the eyes of a junkie who's lost his soul to heroin. And so, twisting and tying a length of rope around his forearm, Shankar constricted enough blood to make his veins visible, and also control the effect of the fix before the injection was completed. If you shot up before the fix was complete, you ended up wasting some good dream time, can't afford to do that can i? was Shankar's and every other such junkie's school of thought!

3 months ago Shankar and Shalu parted ways. Shalu wept bitterly and yet Shankar stood like a rock, almost unaffected by Shalu's pain. "I can't take it no longer Shalu, your vile tongue's worse than my mothers', and the prospect of facing you'll both together is something i cannot take! I'd rather break off from both of you'll and live by myself!"

"Can you live without me Shankar? Can you really live without my love Shankar? My parents will soon arrange a groom for me, and i'll survive somehow, but what about you?" Shalu asked almost piteously. It was hard to watch, even for me though i've seen things worse, a once loving couple breaking off is something even Time can't bear to watch.

And so, Shalu made her way home slowly, like a wounded animal limping off to its death. Indeed, Shalu was dead from within the moment Shankar spoke of the dreaded word "break-up". Before Shalu disappeared along one of life's curves, before she was out of sight, Shankar broke down in a weeping heap. He had no choice left with him. Shalu had been cruel on him, and so was his mother. They both loved him so much they could not see what they were doing to Shankar. And his once proudly beating heart sank into the depths of a depression, pumping only to live and nothing else!

Shikaar aur Shikaari...

Anyone who's ever been to the forest in the night, under a moonlit sky will understand what i'm talking about. The scene is set along the banks of the Waingunga river in the Seonee district of Madhya Pradesh, named Central Provinces until independence.

This poem was inspired by Rudyard Kipling, hats off to the man!

The central theme of hte poem is the conflict between man and animal, although the man considers himself to be just as much animal, as his comrades. A tussle between two Titans, both of great prowess and ego which ends in the untimely demise of one. But then, one's death means life for the other. It's a tale of shikaar in the true sense, and not guns and sealed beams and other shit! Read on further, go on...


Characters:
Akela - Chief of the Seonee pack. Old but experienced in the hunting strategy
Mowgli, Li'l Frog, Naked Wolf - The human child adopted by the Seonee pack
Brown Brother - Mowgli's "brother" and sire of Moti and Raksha
Mugger - A river crocodile. "Magar" in Hindi means crocodile

Under the light of the moonlit night, fall our footfalls ever so slight,
It was just a fruit falling, it was just an insect's might!

On Waingunga's loamy banks we wait,
For the one who's life's been sealed by Fate,
In the dense jungle of grass and reed,
Lurk the kill on whom we feed!

Hold still for now li'l frog, hold back your knife so bright,
Lest your blade catch the moonlight ever so slight,
And send them headlong, crashing away in fright!

Death looms in the air, Death looms upon us all
For easily swims Mugger, eager to see who's first to fall
Predator or prey, we're of the land
We're all the same to him, hunting along the river and sand

Said Brown Brother solemnly,

"Akela, behold that sambur stag in plain sight
Look at his form and grace, how great would be his might?
His antlers they cast a pall on the moonlight so bright
Weren't i Moti's spawn, i'd say i wouldn't dare him fight!"

Hidden in the tall grass, a pair of eyes began to gleam
Itching for the fray, trembling for the war scream
Smacking lips and trembling hand,
'Twas the li'l frog, the human in the hunter's band!

More wolf than man, he'd already show'd what he can
He'd slain Shere Khan, his mention struck fear among the Bundar's clan

"The stag'll die 'fore you'll in plain sight
waingunga's water'll flow crimson in the moonlight", was Mowgli the li'l frog claim
Scourge of the Red Dog, one among the Seonee pack of fame

All was not so quiet on the other side,
The weak and the young had nothing but to hide
Tush, tooth, talon or claw
Waited for them as was the jungle law

And yet one didn't bother as before,
Wading deep in the water, far from the shore
'Twas the sambur stag, Bhoora his name
Kaleeghatee was the place from whence he came

Kept he nibbling at the water lily,
What's there for me to fear silly!
It was barsaat, and he was in full rut,
Mightily muscled, and strong in gut

He'd once trounced Mugger with his hoof
Smashed a few teeth, and called his spoof!
Content he was nibbling the water lily,
For there was nothing for him to fear silly

Mowgli waded into the Waingunga, the reeds moved ever so slightly
And in the moonlight stood tall, the blade shining ever so brightly
And in the Seonee pack's sight, called out to Bhoora so proud of his might

"Kaaleeghatee's whence you came, but the Eternal Jungle's where you'll go
"Have you fed at your mother's breast? What prowess have you to show?"

The scream had shattered the silence of the night
'Twas the call for honour, the call for a fight

"Naked wolf of the Seonee pack, do you know who's it that you've dared?
I'll call your bluff, and run you shall tailless as you are scared!
My antlers'll rip your stomach, and splash gore,
Afore the moon's sigh, your remains'll wash ashore!"

With shattering roars, both combatants charged for a fight
Turbulent waters under Poornima's moon, reflected the terrible sight!

Mighty was Bhoora's charge, into Mowgli but he could not barge
Just as deft was Mowgli's knife, but could not score Bhoora's life
The water thrashed and splashed, thrashed and splashed!
And before long, Mowgli had a deep, telling gash

Bhoora's antlers managed a blow score
Thundered he with a mighty roar
Mowgli managed to stand, but only limp
Yet he stood tall, lest he been seen a wimp

Wounded as he was, he wasn't the one who'd die
Before his ears rang with his enemy's mortal cry
Jubilant in victory, Bhoora charged his last
To finish off the Naked wolf bloody and fast!

Muscles rippling and the head bent low, his antlers dripped Mowgli's gore
Charging with all his might, he charged toward the shore

As much in pain he was, his balls were in place and wits all right
And 'fore the stag drove in his killer charge, he made his strike
Deftly side stepped, and let the stag crash
And his knife carved the stag's throat in a slash!

Stricken, shocked and in pain, the stag could little but stumble
And in the reddening waters of the Waingunga gurgled his last mumble

The pack cried out in excitement and joy,
"Meat aplenty, and all the gore
Come along boys, drag the carcass to the shore..."