Conundrum or Uljhan bina suljhan!

Conundrum: No matter what decision you make, it'll have a negative impact (Credit: Yahoo!)

A conundrum is also known as the "Catch 22" situation for those of you'll who're familiar with the Joseph Heller thriller! The dialogue i'm recording below also has something to do with a conundrum, or atleast that's what it was when i heard it!

Heptanesia, Bom Bahia, Bombay, Mumbai, Slumbai, this odd collection of seven islands connected and developed and redeveloped is as old as time itself! And on this small rock in the sea, a few million (don't bother me with the count, for the moment lets call them the great unwashed!) dwell, live, love and die and are born again...

This city is crowded for lack of breathing space, forget about privacy; but all along the coastline are a few places where people can still find a small measure of peace and quiet, a relief from the bustling life that awaits them in the city. It was one such place in Versova in Andheri where this snatch of dialogue occurred.

A little stretch of land juts out defiantly into the Arabian Sea, called the "Rocks" in Versova, locally reputed as a place for boozing or spending some "quality time" with a partner. And this is where Kris and Lucius too thought of having a drink!

The sea was a bit rough due to the monsoonal winds, and the waves came splashing right over the rocks often drenching them both, but they didn't seem to mind it. They were talking off and on whilst sipping on some beer Lucius had brought with him, a backpack full of it!

"What comes to your mind when i say human?" Kris broke the silence which so far was being disturbed only by the sound of the waves and the occasional clink of a bottle being opened. Lucius drank deeply from his bottle, and stared emptily at the ocean's incoming waves. A storm was brewing over the Arabian Sea, and would shortly head for Bombay's coastline.

"Did you not hear me Luci..." a burp interrupted before Kris could complete his question! Sticking out a forked tongue Lucius smiled "Perhaps that shows how much regard i have for the human race! Eh!" and grinned widely. For a moment Kris was silent, almost as if offended, and...

Both burst into peals of laughter, laughing long and hard!

"Coming back to your question in a more serious light Kris, i feel humans are a race of nitwits. They have all that they'd ever need with them, and yet they're engaged in the pursuit of something that'll yield them zilch. And for this thing which'll give nothing in return, they seek to run hard and long..."

"I don't quite understand what do you mean by being engaged in pursuit Lucius, can you please elaborate!" Kris asked inquisitively.

"Well, tell me what is it that completes a human? I'll tell you? A home, clothing for protection, food to survive, and a partner to procreate. That is all that a human needs, just as much as the animal they claim to be superior in comparison!" Lucius responded haughtily and aimed his emptied bottle at a solitary rock jutting out in the sea, and launched it in the air. The bottle hit the rock impeccably and shards of glas, not to mention the sharp sound of glass breaking created a small report in the otherwise insipid air.

"Aye, that's true about what humans really need, and what they seek in reality. That's where the entire difference of opinion lies. But is there nothing that you'd like to say about a different race of humans who strive to achieve something beyond that basic needs as animals. After all they're an intelligent race, aren't they" Kris challenged ever so subtly Lucius and his convictions.

"Intelligent you call them Kris? Sure they're intelligent, far more intelligent than the average living being on earth. But then, intelligence reflects in design, and humans by nature were never designed to be perfect. Were they Kris, do tell me. After all, humans are an intelligent race, are they not?" Lucius sneered at Kris

Lucius seemed to egg Kris into what we could expect would materialize in atleast a verbal duel or at the worst a physical duel depending on the duo's state of sobriety! In short, the outcome depended completely on the level of beer inside them!

However, Kris was one of those few people who could drink freely and still walk in a straight line. He smilingly replied "If people were to be perfect, you and i would be hunting for a job! Everything that happens is for a reason! And yet there is but a ray of hope, of perfection for them, and you know only too well! You try your level best to dissuade them from that path!!" 

"Hehehehehehehe, that's cutting rather too close Kris! All said and done, we both have our respective work to be done!" replied Lucius attempting to play safe!

The storm in the meanwhile had pulled in and the rain started, a typical Bombay rain. The initial cloudburst was strong, and after a seven minute shower it reduced to a drizzle. The remaining revellers on the rocks had moved away when the rain clouds were pulling in. Our friends intended to enjoy the rain and the choppy ocean on the rocks!

"There's a reason i'm blaming people as nitwits, there is a simple reason behind it Kris! You see, humans have been blessed with brains far more than any other living being. There were living beings smarter than humans, but they took to the seas and humans ended up controlling the entire landmass, and in the recent past, dominion of the seas as well. That's a lot of power isn't it in one specie's hands?"

"People have everything they could ever ask for, and yet they're not happy. And why is that so? That's because they feel happiness is something, a material related pleasure. And so the chase goes on! Wine, women, wealth, power, glory, fame and every other negative attribute you could ever conjure up, there'll be a score of humans chasing it up, foolishly thinking its the answer to their joy!! Hahahahahahaha, they couldn't have been more sadly mistaken!"

"And that's where you step in with your ways, don't you, Mephistopheles?" was Kris's response to Lucius's remark who now stopped laughing at the mention of the name

"Don't mention that name so loudly Kris, we'll attract unwanted attention! And i don't fancy people giving us company while we have a brief moment of solitude from work!" Lucius was now agitated and clearly not in a mood for jokes.

"There's nobody here Lucius, nobody except us, drinking away as if there's nothing else to be done!" Kris replied laughingly. "Coming to your bone of contention, can you give me an example as to how do people behave irrationally, despite being blessed with rational thinking? Abandoning happiness for sorrow as you word it! Please explain!"

"Hmmm, so the Grand Master wants to play quiz with me, knowing fully well the answers himself? Why not, why not?"

In the pouring rain across the street, a young couple was passing by, protecting themselves from the rain under one umbrella, but enjoying the warmth of that closeness nonetheless. Certainly not siblings, but lovers, making their way through the city in the rains.

"Take a look at that couple walking in the rain. I'll tell you something? That guy's not happy with his life, the way that it's going, and the girl seeks to make a career in the aviation industry. The guy on the other hand feels he's not physically satisfied with her, and wants to satisfy his urges someplace else. Yet, they both love each other their own way. All well and good, until one day their interests collide, and then..."

Kris interrupted "Are you trying to say they're not happy with their present state of life? Despite being in their so called state of perfection, they're still keen on getting more, and in the process, losing what they have?"

"Exactly, this reminds me of a dog with a meaty bone who thought his reflection in the water to be another dog with another bone. Foolishly he jumped into the water to get that 'bone', and ended up a wet, hungry, sorry but nonetheless wiser dog! People should be content with their lot!" explained Lucius. "The problem with people is that they always wanted something more than they had in hand, MORE..."

"Shouldn't you be the one to be blamed for it, Lucius?" Kris was smiling triumphantly. "Weren't you the one who gave my creations, the fruit of knowledge, knowing only too well what would be the outcome? Weren't you the reason humans are what they are...?"

"That's a separate issue Krishna, i mean Kris that's a separate issue in itself. We're talking of inborn faults, and not introduced defects" Lucius tried to defend his argument but in vain.

"Humans were created in mind with the idea that they'd be able to appreciate the divine design around them, as protectors of the creation, and..."

"Basically, humans were a creation of yours to satisfy your ego trip, right? You wanted to appear oh so high and mighty, so exalted above the world, you wanted some animal to know you, worship you and pay tribute to you for letting them live in peace and harmony. You wanted to show me what could you design and how much more better it was as compared to what i am! Face it Krishna, i took your designs, and turned them against you. The fruit of knowledge, i'd planted it there and with my smooth talking ways, i convinced them into eating the fruit, and thus set the ball rolling, and the rest is history, isn't it?" This long piece of dialogue needed a breather and some refreshing beer to wash the dried throat, and Lucius drank deeply from his bottle, and threw it away. This time, he tossed it backwards, so it landed in the middle of a street sending shards of glass flying, and dogs barking despite the chilly rain.

It was a well deserved victory for Lucius, or so he thought. The beer had now run out, but Krishna was kneading a small ball in the palm of his hands, mixed it with a bit of tobacco and cheroot, and plugged it into a clay pipe. He was preparing a chillum, a more earthly form of a joint but with opium! 

As Lucifer kept raving, he lit the chillum and took a deep puff from it. Just as Lucius finished his beer, he offered this smokey refreshment over to him. Lucius smoked deeply and exhaled the smoke slowly in deep puffs.

"Let's assume, let's take it your way that humans are a flawed race, and that my logic was too poor to protect them from your buggery. Let's assume, you're the best creation ever, fair? But then what about those mortals who crack the secret of life? What of them? What about those who can see this world to be nothing but sensory illusion, and acting on my words, attain Paradise?"

"The truth is, nobody was ever born perfect. But every individual out there has the power to be something, to be someone closer to what we are. I fashioned humans from my rib, and i left this small level of error, leaving it only for those humans who could understand what life was all about, to correct this mistake, and attain enlightenment"

"Despite your best efforts, there are a few people if not many who understand what life is all about. Time and again, i try to bring them on to the path of righteousness, just as you try to misguide them into failure. And a select few do make it, despite your best efforts my friend!"

"Aye, they don't call me the Devil for nothing. And they don't worship you without reason! But then, we're puppets to our own Fate. All through time, we engage in battle, knowing fully well neither can be destroyed, and help people maintain this illusion. They think of me as the villain and you the hero, we're bound to do this for the rest of eternity, or atleast as long as humans last!" The opium had already reached Lucifer, and his speech was beginning to slur and his eyes turned bloodshot.

"Talk of opium, Siva has some of the best stuff in the entire cosmos, never smoked such good shit before. Aye, i've got to praise you when you deserve it Kris, you surely have some lovely opium plantations up there in Pearly Gates. Mine never attain this richness of flavour!" Lucifer was already tripping. The sight of Lucius tripping was clearly too funny for Krishna who was equally high on the opium, and both rolled and rollicked in wild laughter!

All this noise soon attracted a Pandu (my bad, should be calling him a "policeman") who tromped over promptly with his associate.

"Kai chalala aahey ikdey, Kadam bagh ki zaraa!" What the fuck is going on here, just have a glance Kadam. The cop's sharp voice couldn't bother the duo who were still laughing. Kadam and his boss, our Pandu, Mr.Gore pulled Kris and Lucius up from the rocks, and both couldn't help but notice the sweetish aroma of opium off the duo.

"Waah waah Kadam, hi mansey chandu phoonkat hotya" They've been smoking opium all the while! Chandu is the local name for opium in Bombay. Kadam and Gore both gave Kris and Lucius a hard slap each which made them stop laughing.

"Naav saang, ani chal amchya sobat, thanyaala!" You're under arrest for possession and abuse of narcotics. Tell me your names you two.

"I'm Kris, also known as Krishna, from Dwarka, born to Devaki and Vasudev, ancestor of the Vrishni, friend to the innocent, and scourge of evil! Just a few among a hundred million names that i have"

"I'm Lucius, Lucifer, Prince of Darkness, Mephistopheles, Beelzebub, the Dark Lord, you can call me the Devil!" Lucifer was far from cordial. Gore had taken away his chillum, and he hated it when someone did that, specially when he riding a high.

"So you two guys think you're God and Devil, and i'm a sucker Pandu, eh? Do i look like i'm still suckling from my mother? Want to play games with me? Let's play then!" snarled Gore he lifted up his hand to strike at Lucius, who stopped the blow mid air and pushed him off. Similarly, Kris pushed off Kadam.

In the twinkling of an eye, Lucius who looked like a regular office goer turned into a half man, half beast appearance replete with horns and red complexion. And Krishna turned into something short of an apparition no one could ever describe. He called it 'Viswa-roopa', the image of the world.

Both cops were too shocked beyond senses or understanding to do anything, not even rise up! In terror, they held on to each other, wondering what kind of criminals now had come into Bombay!!

Kris whistled and hypercycle appeared from the heavens, and both Kris and Lucius mounted and sped off in an explosion of light and colour! The cops now could not recollect what happened and wondered how did they land on the ground like that, only to move off somewhat confused.

"It was a memorable trip! Take us to Kailasa will you Kris? I'd like to borrow some of this super good opium from Siva. Does he also do weed...? Those cops looked pretty shit scared didn't they?"

"Hehehehehe, yes they did! So much so for a 3D effect hologram projection, they were spooked at the sight of us!" laughed Kris "Speaking of technology, this hypercycle needs to be upgraded, remind me to check with Viswakarma before i drop you home, will you...? Thanks for the beer though, tasted good, i can still feel a bit of it at the back of my throat!"

Epilogue: Our friends enjoying beer and opium were none other than God and the Devil themselves. Who said humans are the only ones who can enjoy beer????