The sun was shining yet again, but this time it was from a small window in the cramped little kholi, the only source of light the place could ever get. Shankar squinted and squirmed as his eyes tried to adjust to this sudden influx of light. Muttering and swearing, he pulled himself together for a glass of water. The after effects of a high include thirst in addition to a craving for more highs. He looked around for his attendant who'd prepare his fix.
"Make me a fix Chandu, i need it. Do it now!" ordered Shankar gruffly, trying not to lock gaze with Chandu. This time Chandu did not laugh mockingly nor jeered at him. "Friend, you don't need heroin, you need help! Listen to me." But Shankar was far from convinced. He sneered, "Do you think i want to live Chandu? Yes, i want to live indeed, but with my Shalu. She's no more with me in reality, but in my world of dreams, she's still my beloved! I want to go back her. Now stop talking and fix me a shot"
"Heroin is not going to get your love life back Shankar, it's only playing on your emotions. Everytime you sink into it, the emptier it leaves you. You seem like a promising kid Shankar, go back to your life, you don't belong here. Not even the worst human being deserves a death like this..." Chandu had begun to reason with Shankar.
Now you might want to ask why on earth was Chandu trying to push off a willing customer. Anyways, Chandu cared little whether his customers lived or died and their addiction to heroin was only a plus point for his business. But then, Boss had his own ways of effecting what He wanted, and it seemed like this is how things were to change after all.
Meanwhile in the kholi, Shankar had begun to show signs of uneasiness and stress. Shankar's voice no longer sounded like a man's but like Shalu's, and once again Shankar was back at Marine Drive, fighting his last quarrel with Shalu. The memories, all of them came back rushing at once, and that was the dreaded death that heroin dealt. This was the dreaded "cold turkey", the only best remedial for a heroin addict. Outright denial! Chances are the addict died before the cold turkey was completed, but there was no other way to "cleanse" the addict free of this disease.
Shankar now got violent with Chandu and tried to grapple with him in a bid to get some heroin, but Chandu was a seasoned street fighter who'd faced tough goons and despatched them with his cold blade, but this was a different fight. Here, he could not afford to use the steel blade and gut Shankar. Aye, that would defeat his purpose. Instead, he deftly kneed him in the gonads, and a powerful punch on his face knocked the daylights out of him. The moment he crashed against the walls of the kholi, Shankar was out cold. But this time it was no fever dream, just a concussion...
It almost seemed like eternity when he woke up again, only to find himself tightly bound in thick hemp rope, and his mouth gagged. The tiny, dimly lit kholi was now lit by a kandeel in addition to the meagre amount of sunlight entering the room. And all around him, Shankar could see an army of toughs and a few women. Moments after waking, his muscles began to twitch. This twitching then led to throbbing and eventually violent spasms. Shankar groaned and groaned in agony, pleading for just one fix, but there was none coming for him. This was his first day of cold turkey...
"Heroin cures nothing, only kills your soul. You'll never lose something that truly belongs to you. If Shalu was destined to be your love, you will get to her no matter what. There's no sense dreaming and pining for her. Go out and live your life..." these words kept pounding over and over and over again. But despite this, Shankar could see, and could hear Shalu's last desperate pleas to be together. "Aaaargggh, aaaarrgggh, aaarghhhh..." despite his miserable state of being, he still fought and fought hard. Finally, one of the women lit a small piece of incense, and yet again, Shankar's vision began to blur. He thought he was getting his fix, but then this was only a distraction. The lights went out as Shankar's eyes rolled up into their sockets...
"Why do you pine for her young man? Why do you pine for your Shalu?" a voice was asking him. Couldn't quite locate where it came for but the tone was insistent. "Shalu, Shalu's my love, she's my life! Yes, she's my life! Shalu, Shalu, Shalu..." Shankar wasn't speaking, but his voice seemed to have come alive on its own. Ah yes, you could say it was his heart that was speaking, and his mind was silent.
"If this Shalu was truly yours, if she really did love you, then why did she leave you...? Why should she not be with you in your darkest hour of need?" questioned the voice
"I told her to walk away, i told her to move out of my life. I, it was my sinful tongue that spoke those cruel words to that gentle soul. I murdered her love for me, i killed her soul. This is my punishment for that crime. This is what i deserve! Now, let me die in peace, let me die in my dreams with my Shalu by my side. Let me die, let me die, let me...."
"Only fools who don't want to die, talk of death as they live! Do you know what it feels like to die? Do you think your death will serve any purpose? Shalu will not come back to you if you die. She may shed a few tears on your grave, and so will your parents. Eventually, both will move on with life. Shalu will marry another man and live a happy life, only too glad to relegate you to the garbage dumps of memory, forgotten somewhere down the line. Your parents, they'll remember you a bit longer, for there'll be no one to mourn them when they die. Their only son will not perform their funeral rites, no one to place the silver coin for the boatman"
"Talk of the present, who'll tend to them? They're old and feeble! Can they fend for themselves? I think not! And you wish to die young man? Indeed you should die for it, but not like this! I'll slay you myself in the middle of the street where the city can watch you bleed to death..." the voice had become deep and menacing now.
"I don't fear you death, i fear you not! Atleast that'll wash off the sins i have committed. My sins, they come back to me everyday, killing me one dream at a time! Despatch me o'butcher, you'll have my heartiest blessings..."
There was a cackle of laughter that lasted quite a while. With much difficulty, it now spoke "Fool! Whoever said you've sinned! Why the fuck should you be penalized for something you've not done? You did what you had to do, and that's it! You don't take ownership for killing your relationship with Shalu, just as much as you don't take ownership for bonding with her! It was God who brought you'll together, it is God who did you'll part! He knows what to give you, and when to give you. So give up worrying about your sins and fear a greater sin you're about to commit!"
"Did you know suicide is a sin in itself? Ask me, i could tell you stories of spirits and ghosts! Spirits of men whom i've slain, those who died because of me. I see them often in my dreams, waiting for me, smiling on the opposite side of the river. Only their smile hides little of their misery they are in at the moment. I can feel their pain, i know their suffering! Neither dead nor alive, they live on forever stranded between the worlds. You'll see them occasionally where they died, wandering about aimlessly, unable to live among mortals, unable to reach out to the nether world!"
"What had to happen has happened friend, there's nothing more to it! You did all you could do to salvage your relationship with your loved one, but even patience has its limits, does it not? Tell me did you break off with her for no good reason? Did you really love her in the first place?"
"Yes, i loved her with all my heart, and i love her still! It was her evil tongue, her impatient nature and my mother's which made me come to this point. I wouldn't have given up on her had she been even a little more patient with me. Had she been even a little more understanding, i'd have gladly lived with her for the rest of my life...
Why Shalu, why...?"
"There's something which no one can help you with Shankar, nobody can change Shalu's nature, just as much as nobody can change your nature. You are what you are born with, you cannot change them no matter what. Your nature was decided the moment you were born, and you will be the same until the time your body ceases to move forever. And so's her nature for that matter! She cannot be someone she is not, and you cannot change or adjust beyond a certain limit for her. An unhappy marriage never made a good home Shankar, remember this!"
"What you say may be true, but then is it not true that we must adjust?"
"My friend, you will adjust only upto a certain point. After that, there'll be no love left between the two of you'll. Sex will no longer be an adhesive between you'll once you've become old. There must be love in the two hearts in order to keep them together. When you realize this fact then, you'll be a sorry old man who's spent the best years of his life with someone who never even got along with you. What then? Death's not an easy guest you could call home when you're old! You'll wait for death, as if it were an absolution. An absolution that could take forever to come, never will you know when..."
"Instead i'd say let your heart remain at peace, and your mind at work. Keep them both occupied, and if there be someone who's destined to conquer your heart, she will come. She will come when her time's right, when your time's right. When you'll both are ready, to live, to love, forever..."
"Engage yourself in everything you possibly could, and keep yourself occupied constructively. As for me, i live under the shadow of death, waiting to die, when i know not, to the policeman's bullet or an assassin's knife! One mistake i made in life, and see how i'm running from it. Learn from me Shankar what not to be, learn from me Shankar never should you become Chandu. I had to kill my own brother, i could not attend to the funeral rites of my parents, and the cops want me dead. And what more? There are far many more sufferings i hold within my stony heart. Does this not tell you something...?"
"I understand you made a mistake, and don't wish me to make the same. But how do i know that Shalu's not the one for me? What if she's the one?"
"If Shalu were the one for you? Ask this to yourself, deep inside your heart, is she the one? Your heart will not lie. If she's the one for you, she'll return to you no matter what. And she'll never ever be harsh with you ever, and you? You'll never mind her ways and words if you truly love her. Trust me Shankar, do this and you shall know."
Just then Shankar stirred, only to see no one in the kholi. The window was opened, and light was trickling in from the outside. It was high noon, and the muezzin's prayer for the faithful could be heard from outside.
"Allah ho Akbar, Allah ho Akbar" "God is great, God is great" the muezzin repeated over and over again, glorifying the Great Spirit. "Was this all a dream? Did i hear Chandu speak with me?" Shankar wondered. He could move about freely, the rope was taken off, and there was no longer a feeling of pain or twitching muscles, only his stomach grumbling for some fuel!
He stumbled out of the kholi, the first time in three weeks, looking for Shankar or any of his whores. But none were to be seen. The door was open, and Shankar understood. "My separation from Shalu was an act of God, just as much as was our meeting. I accept His decision and shall abide..." was Shankar's final thought as he stepped out of the A 1 beauty parlour for the last time...
Epilogue:
Shankar joined the police force and now is in charge of the narcotics division. His days of drug abuse are now far behind him. Shalu married a boy of her parents choice and is settled in Pune.
Chandu, however was killed in an encounter with the cops. Incidentally, Shankar was a part of the crackdown team...
"Make me a fix Chandu, i need it. Do it now!" ordered Shankar gruffly, trying not to lock gaze with Chandu. This time Chandu did not laugh mockingly nor jeered at him. "Friend, you don't need heroin, you need help! Listen to me." But Shankar was far from convinced. He sneered, "Do you think i want to live Chandu? Yes, i want to live indeed, but with my Shalu. She's no more with me in reality, but in my world of dreams, she's still my beloved! I want to go back her. Now stop talking and fix me a shot"
"Heroin is not going to get your love life back Shankar, it's only playing on your emotions. Everytime you sink into it, the emptier it leaves you. You seem like a promising kid Shankar, go back to your life, you don't belong here. Not even the worst human being deserves a death like this..." Chandu had begun to reason with Shankar.
Now you might want to ask why on earth was Chandu trying to push off a willing customer. Anyways, Chandu cared little whether his customers lived or died and their addiction to heroin was only a plus point for his business. But then, Boss had his own ways of effecting what He wanted, and it seemed like this is how things were to change after all.
Meanwhile in the kholi, Shankar had begun to show signs of uneasiness and stress. Shankar's voice no longer sounded like a man's but like Shalu's, and once again Shankar was back at Marine Drive, fighting his last quarrel with Shalu. The memories, all of them came back rushing at once, and that was the dreaded death that heroin dealt. This was the dreaded "cold turkey", the only best remedial for a heroin addict. Outright denial! Chances are the addict died before the cold turkey was completed, but there was no other way to "cleanse" the addict free of this disease.
Shankar now got violent with Chandu and tried to grapple with him in a bid to get some heroin, but Chandu was a seasoned street fighter who'd faced tough goons and despatched them with his cold blade, but this was a different fight. Here, he could not afford to use the steel blade and gut Shankar. Aye, that would defeat his purpose. Instead, he deftly kneed him in the gonads, and a powerful punch on his face knocked the daylights out of him. The moment he crashed against the walls of the kholi, Shankar was out cold. But this time it was no fever dream, just a concussion...
It almost seemed like eternity when he woke up again, only to find himself tightly bound in thick hemp rope, and his mouth gagged. The tiny, dimly lit kholi was now lit by a kandeel in addition to the meagre amount of sunlight entering the room. And all around him, Shankar could see an army of toughs and a few women. Moments after waking, his muscles began to twitch. This twitching then led to throbbing and eventually violent spasms. Shankar groaned and groaned in agony, pleading for just one fix, but there was none coming for him. This was his first day of cold turkey...
"Heroin cures nothing, only kills your soul. You'll never lose something that truly belongs to you. If Shalu was destined to be your love, you will get to her no matter what. There's no sense dreaming and pining for her. Go out and live your life..." these words kept pounding over and over and over again. But despite this, Shankar could see, and could hear Shalu's last desperate pleas to be together. "Aaaargggh, aaaarrgggh, aaarghhhh..." despite his miserable state of being, he still fought and fought hard. Finally, one of the women lit a small piece of incense, and yet again, Shankar's vision began to blur. He thought he was getting his fix, but then this was only a distraction. The lights went out as Shankar's eyes rolled up into their sockets...
"Why do you pine for her young man? Why do you pine for your Shalu?" a voice was asking him. Couldn't quite locate where it came for but the tone was insistent. "Shalu, Shalu's my love, she's my life! Yes, she's my life! Shalu, Shalu, Shalu..." Shankar wasn't speaking, but his voice seemed to have come alive on its own. Ah yes, you could say it was his heart that was speaking, and his mind was silent.
"If this Shalu was truly yours, if she really did love you, then why did she leave you...? Why should she not be with you in your darkest hour of need?" questioned the voice
"I told her to walk away, i told her to move out of my life. I, it was my sinful tongue that spoke those cruel words to that gentle soul. I murdered her love for me, i killed her soul. This is my punishment for that crime. This is what i deserve! Now, let me die in peace, let me die in my dreams with my Shalu by my side. Let me die, let me die, let me...."
"Only fools who don't want to die, talk of death as they live! Do you know what it feels like to die? Do you think your death will serve any purpose? Shalu will not come back to you if you die. She may shed a few tears on your grave, and so will your parents. Eventually, both will move on with life. Shalu will marry another man and live a happy life, only too glad to relegate you to the garbage dumps of memory, forgotten somewhere down the line. Your parents, they'll remember you a bit longer, for there'll be no one to mourn them when they die. Their only son will not perform their funeral rites, no one to place the silver coin for the boatman"
"Talk of the present, who'll tend to them? They're old and feeble! Can they fend for themselves? I think not! And you wish to die young man? Indeed you should die for it, but not like this! I'll slay you myself in the middle of the street where the city can watch you bleed to death..." the voice had become deep and menacing now.
"I don't fear you death, i fear you not! Atleast that'll wash off the sins i have committed. My sins, they come back to me everyday, killing me one dream at a time! Despatch me o'butcher, you'll have my heartiest blessings..."
There was a cackle of laughter that lasted quite a while. With much difficulty, it now spoke "Fool! Whoever said you've sinned! Why the fuck should you be penalized for something you've not done? You did what you had to do, and that's it! You don't take ownership for killing your relationship with Shalu, just as much as you don't take ownership for bonding with her! It was God who brought you'll together, it is God who did you'll part! He knows what to give you, and when to give you. So give up worrying about your sins and fear a greater sin you're about to commit!"
"Did you know suicide is a sin in itself? Ask me, i could tell you stories of spirits and ghosts! Spirits of men whom i've slain, those who died because of me. I see them often in my dreams, waiting for me, smiling on the opposite side of the river. Only their smile hides little of their misery they are in at the moment. I can feel their pain, i know their suffering! Neither dead nor alive, they live on forever stranded between the worlds. You'll see them occasionally where they died, wandering about aimlessly, unable to live among mortals, unable to reach out to the nether world!"
"What had to happen has happened friend, there's nothing more to it! You did all you could do to salvage your relationship with your loved one, but even patience has its limits, does it not? Tell me did you break off with her for no good reason? Did you really love her in the first place?"
"Yes, i loved her with all my heart, and i love her still! It was her evil tongue, her impatient nature and my mother's which made me come to this point. I wouldn't have given up on her had she been even a little more patient with me. Had she been even a little more understanding, i'd have gladly lived with her for the rest of my life...
Why Shalu, why...?"
"There's something which no one can help you with Shankar, nobody can change Shalu's nature, just as much as nobody can change your nature. You are what you are born with, you cannot change them no matter what. Your nature was decided the moment you were born, and you will be the same until the time your body ceases to move forever. And so's her nature for that matter! She cannot be someone she is not, and you cannot change or adjust beyond a certain limit for her. An unhappy marriage never made a good home Shankar, remember this!"
"What you say may be true, but then is it not true that we must adjust?"
"My friend, you will adjust only upto a certain point. After that, there'll be no love left between the two of you'll. Sex will no longer be an adhesive between you'll once you've become old. There must be love in the two hearts in order to keep them together. When you realize this fact then, you'll be a sorry old man who's spent the best years of his life with someone who never even got along with you. What then? Death's not an easy guest you could call home when you're old! You'll wait for death, as if it were an absolution. An absolution that could take forever to come, never will you know when..."
"Instead i'd say let your heart remain at peace, and your mind at work. Keep them both occupied, and if there be someone who's destined to conquer your heart, she will come. She will come when her time's right, when your time's right. When you'll both are ready, to live, to love, forever..."
"Engage yourself in everything you possibly could, and keep yourself occupied constructively. As for me, i live under the shadow of death, waiting to die, when i know not, to the policeman's bullet or an assassin's knife! One mistake i made in life, and see how i'm running from it. Learn from me Shankar what not to be, learn from me Shankar never should you become Chandu. I had to kill my own brother, i could not attend to the funeral rites of my parents, and the cops want me dead. And what more? There are far many more sufferings i hold within my stony heart. Does this not tell you something...?"
"I understand you made a mistake, and don't wish me to make the same. But how do i know that Shalu's not the one for me? What if she's the one?"
"If Shalu were the one for you? Ask this to yourself, deep inside your heart, is she the one? Your heart will not lie. If she's the one for you, she'll return to you no matter what. And she'll never ever be harsh with you ever, and you? You'll never mind her ways and words if you truly love her. Trust me Shankar, do this and you shall know."
Just then Shankar stirred, only to see no one in the kholi. The window was opened, and light was trickling in from the outside. It was high noon, and the muezzin's prayer for the faithful could be heard from outside.
"Allah ho Akbar, Allah ho Akbar" "God is great, God is great" the muezzin repeated over and over again, glorifying the Great Spirit. "Was this all a dream? Did i hear Chandu speak with me?" Shankar wondered. He could move about freely, the rope was taken off, and there was no longer a feeling of pain or twitching muscles, only his stomach grumbling for some fuel!
He stumbled out of the kholi, the first time in three weeks, looking for Shankar or any of his whores. But none were to be seen. The door was open, and Shankar understood. "My separation from Shalu was an act of God, just as much as was our meeting. I accept His decision and shall abide..." was Shankar's final thought as he stepped out of the A 1 beauty parlour for the last time...
Epilogue:
Shankar joined the police force and now is in charge of the narcotics division. His days of drug abuse are now far behind him. Shalu married a boy of her parents choice and is settled in Pune.
Chandu, however was killed in an encounter with the cops. Incidentally, Shankar was a part of the crackdown team...
Overall a very interesting and thrilling blog. I enjoyed reading it & look forward to it every morning.
ReplyDeleteThe ending could've been slightly better.
Great job, keep up the good work.